INÉS WINS "NICKY-BABY LOOK-ALIKE CONTEST!"

La señorita Inés is not only Spain's most beautiful girl...but she is also the winner of the "2005 Nicky-baby Look-alike Contest."

Here we see Inés's prize-winning photo; which was unanimously praised by a team of distinguished judges that included Milton Friedman, Saul Bellows and former Happy Days star Anson Williams.

Inés will make a guest-appearance at Celozzi-Ettleson Ford's Melrose Park, Illinois dealership on August 7. Autographs will be subject to a $15/letter fee. Make all checks payable to "Nicky-baby."

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS CHIN?

If so, then please call Nicky-baby at 555-1367.

A $50 reward will be given for any information leading to the chin's return...to Nicky-baby!

NICKY-BABY NOMINATES UNCLE SAL AS "DUDE OF THE YEAR."

With tears streaming down his cheeks, Nicky-baby took the stage before a capacity crowd at Chicago's B'nai B'rith Temple last night and announced the following:

"My Uncle Sal should be awarded 'Dude of the Year!' And if anyone has a problem with that, I'll give ya a Reebok enema!"

The crowd agreed--with the award, that is. Not the enema.

Uncle Sal (pictured above in 2003, when he became the first man to climb Mt. Everest while drunk) is well-known in the Chicago area for his dudeliness. Born in 1956 in the rural backwaters of southern Mississippi, he hitch-hiked his way to Chicago in 1957 with $5 in his wallet and a rusty harmonica in his front pocket. At least, he says it was a rusty harmonica.

Uncle Sal was a spent several years as a session musician with Chess Records, until blues-legend Blind Dog Kitty Litter, Jr. invited him to play marimba on his 1961 Southeast Asian Communist Tour. During such tour, Uncle Sal asked for a night off in order to visit a Burmese monestery under the pretext that "They make a great buffalo mozzarrella." He was not seen again until the Live Aid concert in 1985, when he shocked the world by leaping onstage and blasting the harmonica solo for Culture Club's song "Karma Chameleon"--albeit, in the wrong key.

Since then, Uncle Sal has been a regular guest on the Rosie O'Donnell Show and is frequently seen conducting Iyengar Yoga lessons for septegenarian bunnies at the Playboy Mansion.

The 2005 "Dude of the Year Award" will be presented to Uncle Sal on September 25 in Skokie's Royal Order of Moose Club. This is the first such award for Uncle Sal, although he did win the "Dud of the Year Award" in 1977.